Dear Dead Husband:

Hi, babe. How’s Heaven?

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous of where you are. I’m 100% certain it’s better than down here.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I’ll never see you in this lifetime ever again. 99% of the time, that still doesn’t resonate with me. I can’t and won’t understand how it’s possible. I don’t ever want to believe this is my reality.

7 months have gone by without your touch. 7 months of me trying to learn how to live without you. I want so badly to tell you that I’m getting better at it, but the truth is, the only thing I’m learning is how to get used to the pain of not having you here. My pain tolerance is about the only thing that has improved over time.

I never thought I’d be one of those people with the kind of stories you don’t want to listen to because of how sad and tragic it is. I wish, more than anything, that I could go back and appreciate how truly incredible our life was. I knew what we had was a gold mine, but I never thought for a second how quickly it could go away.

It’s almost Christmas. I didn’t really decorate this year, and I’ve barely bought any presents for anyone. I’m not used to being the one who is unprepared for anything, but ain’t that the theme of this year? *eye roll*

The truth is, I love Christmas. I loved it before you, I loved it with you, and I love it still. What I can’t bear to celebrate is the loneliness I feel without the person who should be putting up the tree with me.

So, I don’t want to do anything this year. I don’t want to do any of it…. at anytime…. with anyone. I just want to skip it.

I’d like to skip a lot of things, actually. Can I skip this part of my life where the soul-crushing loneliness and heartache of your absence leaves me with the inability to do more than simply “exist?”

Can I please skip it?

I’m not doing well, Luke.

I’m not doing well with grief.

I’m not doing well with any of it.

I miss you. 😞

Love always and forever,

Your Sweetheart