2019…

2019 was hands-down the worst year of my life. I won’t sit here and sugar coat any of it for you. I can’t. 2019 knocked me down and drop kicked me as far and as hard as it could. And then did that again.

Because you see, you don’t go into a year thinking you and your new husband will struggle so much getting pregnant. You don’t expect to get diagnosed with PCOS at age 25… weighing 125lbs. You don’t anticipate the journey of becoming the one thing you’ve always wanted to be so difficult.

You also don’t go into a year thinking your husband will die unexpectedly from a rare heart condition ONE week from that diagnosis, and then your father from Parkinson’s 7 months later.

You don’t go into a year preparing for the soul crushing loneliness and heart-stopping PTSD that comes from such traumatic losses.

Nothing could’ve prepared me for 2019.

I can’t tell you how ready I am to turn the page on this year and pray with all I have in me that 2020 will be better. My expectations are non-existent at this point, so I’ll take all the “better” I can get.

I just hope one day I can look back with a sense of perspective and strength that you only see in movies and best-selling novels.

For now, I will tell you that any amount of “better” that 2020 can bring will be welcomed in with open arms.

I’m raising my white flag, 2019. I am so done with grief and loss and death and disappointment.

I surrender.