That’s really all I can do right now. Going backwards isn’t an option, so I might as well move forward instead of staying in the same, painful place. That would kind of be like pressing on a bruise to see if it still hurts. Your eyes can already see that the wound is still colored with deep hues of purple and black, but your mind plays tricks on you that maybe this time it won’t hurt so bad. Spoiler alert: it will.
Grief is a nasty bruise. It envelops your mind, body, and soul on a level you didn’t even know it had the potential to reach. Over time, generally bruises fade, but when you pair a bruise with the scar of a traumatic loss, chances are it will take a little longer to subside. But anyone who knows anything about caring for a wound can tell you that touching it and picking at it will only slow the healing process. How does a wound heal naturally? You have to trust that your body will take care of what you can’t see. You have to trust that leaving it alone won’t rush the healing process.
Not an easy thing for a widow to do.
But we do it… because we know that our deceased spouses would want us to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, if you do that enough times, you’re bound to get somewhere, and somewhere is better than nowhere. I can’t tell you exactly where I’ll end up, but it will be where I ought to be in that moment. I trust that. I really do. Not sure how or why, but I wholeheartedly do.
I miss you deeply, LJ.