Each day brings something new for me.
Some days, I have moments where I truly do feel “okay” given my circumstances. I power through my work day, attend whatever scheduled evening activity I intentionally crammed in, and I fall asleep without a fight.
Other days, I wake up with tears in my eyes and no matter how many hugs and good listeners fill my day, I undoubtedly end up sobbing and pleading with the Powers that Be to take the pain away.
It’s a Crapshoot: Grief Edition.
Recently, in the midst of an honestly impressive blind date with self-pity, I decided to role play for a moment. Let’s pretend that it was me that died unexpectedly, and Luke was left here to figure out his new life without me (doesn’t feel so good, does it Angel Husband?)
I asked myself, “What would I say to him? What advice would I give? What words would I have to comfort his fragile, shattered heart? What would I want him to be doing?”
And then suddenly, as if a larger-than-expected wave crashed into my body and washed completely over me, I felt my lungs fill with more air than I remembered they could handle. I took an actual, deep breath, and for those of you just tuning in or embarrassingly oblivious to the situation…that’s a big deal.
Because I know exactly what I would say to him:
“You have to keep living. Really living. Do things that feed your soul…the kind of things that make you smile on the inside, too.”
“Keep the music alive. You have too much talent and passion to keep it quiet. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t good enough to play that song. Play it…and play it loud enough so I can hear you from Heaven.”
“Please know how proud I am of you, even on your worst days. You are breathing, talking, and giving love to yourself and to others. That’s more than enough.”
“Spend time with the people who love and adore you, and please don’t hesitate one second about cutting out the ones who don’t. Life is not meant to be spent with those who neglect to see you for who you truly are. Find your circle, hang onto them, and let the rest fade away.”
“At the end of the day, know that your heart is capable of so much love. I see you, I’ll guide you, and I will always live on and love fiercely through you. You deserve to be happy, and that is all I have ever wanted for you.”
I said this audibly, and once I finished, I instantly knew why role reversal was vitally important to this portion of my healing.
Because that is verbatim what Luke would’ve said to me.
Touché, Angel Husband… touché.
I miss you always.