This kind of loss throws its victims into survival mode. Fast. It’s fight or flight… or in this case, all fight and not much flight. Nobody is flying around here. Just falling at a rapid pace.

So, what does a widow keep in her survival kit that she had no idea she’d ever have to pack?

Puffs w/ Lotion (Ain’t nobody got time for generic tissues, people…and Luke would be proud of me for saying that. His adamancy on that brand is a great story for another day.)

Waterproof Mascara (Remember that time I just wore regular ole mascara? Let’s all laugh together.)

Sad Songs (If you have Apple Music, I’ll send you a playlist. It’s very uplifting.)

Some kind book on widowhood or grief (I’ve got a mini-library now, so if you need suggestions on literature related to navigating life after immense tragedy, I’m your gal.)

Wine (Can be substituted with other alcohol depending on the situation, but red wine is good for your heart, and couldn’t we use all the help we can get in that department?)

Chapstick (Really, this should be in every survival kit, but do you know how dry your lips get from crying all the time?)

Coffee or Tea (You probably aren’t getting through your day without this, and you should just accept it.)

Here’s the deal, even with the best survival kit, the chances of coming out unscathed are out of the question. Maneuvering through the day is survived by the kit referenced above and a hell of a lot of hugs. Even then, good luck, Chuck.

Remember my first post where I told you that people are really uncomfortable with grief? Yeah, I’m really starting to wrap my head around the alarming extent to that. The longer time goes by, the more uncomfortable with it they are. It’s been 4 weeks for me, and already folks have started assuming my level of “okayness.” Please…don’t burden yourself with that responsibility. The only person who can truly decide that level is me (okay, and angel Luke). When I can accurately determine where I’m at on the okayness spectrum, I will alert the media as soon as possible. For now, assume the worst, and you’ll never be too far off.

I wish I had a better way to survive this kind of pain. It’s the most daunting, terrifying mountain I’ve ever had to climb. For now, I’m sitting at the base staring up knowing the courage it takes just to sit there with your gear on.

*Grabs tote bag of survival items* As Luke would say, “If you bought the ticket, then enjoy the ride.” Well honey, I haven’t found any enjoyment quite yet, and I don’t remember purchasing said ticket, but for you, I will always keep trying. After all, it’s the only choice I have for survival. If not with you, then for you.

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3 thoughts on “Survival

  1. Spot On! God Bless You!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jennifer Tubb-Scott June 11, 2019 — 9:17 am

    You are right. It is just plain ‘ole survival.
    And yes everyone has trouble dealing with my grief…..
    Think about that. It’s my grief no one has to deal with it. Just be your natural self around me, if I haven’t totally broken into pieces by now, then I probably will not on your watch.


  3. Jayme,
    Having been a nurse now for years, I also understand how completely weird people are about grief. They think if they don’t ask, it will be easier. You know it’s not and I hope those closest to you are there to listen every time you want to cry or yell or talk about him. This blog is so well written and has definitely made me cry. Remember you are never alone in grief, there are always others out there trying to find how to navigate theirs too.

    Liked by 1 person

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