I haven’t been very good about writing much lately.
I like to make excuses for why this is, and while some of them are pretty warranted (like having a very full time job and several side hustles and a high energy Newfoundland and a house to keep up and family and friends to see) ….it really isn’t justifying why I haven’t been writing.
Throughout my entire life, writing has been my way of release. Whether that was writing a poem, an essay, a blog, or original songs…it’s always been cathartic to me. I know I share this quality with many others.
So why don’t I write more?
Truth is, I could and often do write everyday, but my standards of perfection get in the way and I don’t feel like it is worthy of sharing. So sometimes, I have a paragraph or two that sit in a draft in my notes app for months…sometimes years. Just waiting to be added to or deleted. Other days I will write pages and feel good about sharing everything immediately, but it’s rare that I feel THAT brave.
Sharing your life and story is a vulnerable thing to do. In the age of social media and TikTok, we often take for granted how beautiful privacy can be. It’s almost too easy these days to hold a giant magnifying glass over someone’s life. It’s easy to make assumptions on how someone is doing or what kind of human they are based on what they share on their respective profiles.
I like blogging because I don’t have to put any filters on or pretend that I’m someone I’m not. I get to hide behind a computer screen and pour my heart out (my real heart) to whoever cares to read my words. I am allowed to be me without feeling like I owe the world something better. I can share as little or as much as I’d like, and there is no due date as to when I do so.
As a widow, I feel like I always have eyes on me. Sadness and trauma becomes a spectacle for others. Out of pure selfish curiosity, people will watch and follow and wait for updates on how my life is going despite it being turned devastatingly upside down. For a long time, this truly bothered the hell out of me. I just want to be left alone! But nowadays, I don’t mind so much. I understand why, and I don’t have anything to hide at this point in my life.
So for anyone new here…hi! I’m Jayme. I’m a widow of 3.5 years. Yes, it’s horribly sad. No, it hasn’t gotten ANY easier. Yes, I’ve found happiness in life again. No, not a day goes by that I don’t miss my person. Yes, I did a lot of therapy. No, I’m not all better. Yes, I am resilient as ever.
I’m 28 years old, and I’m Still Kickin’.