Infertility and Widowhood

It’s taken me a year from my diagnosis of PCOS to open up about infertility. Exactly a year… today, in fact.

A year ago I called Luke during the workday after getting the news. I was in quiet tears for fear of others asking what was wrong. Being the sweetheart he was, he very gently reassured me that we would find a way to make it happen. I hung up the phone and immediately texted my best friend the news and that I needed her. I didn’t know I would be doing that on a much grander level not even 48 hours later. More on that…

I’ll never forget the excitement of knowing that Luke and I were officially “trying” for a baby. We both so desperately wanted to be parents, and I had been waiting my entire life for this special time.

You see, I wasn’t like normal little girls who played House with their friends. I always wanted to be the Mom… the pregnant or laboring Mom, at that! My favorite tv show growing up was “A Baby Story” on TLC. Oh, and I frequently YouTubed live birth videos to watch for fun. I just found, and still find, pregnancy and birth to be the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s one of the only things I’ve ever dreamt of and wished for in regards to my adult life. 1. Be a wife. 2. Be a mother. End scene.

God had other plans, apparently.

God made it nothing short of a miracle for my mother to conceive four healthy children when she rarely ever had a normal cycle.

He then made it simple for both of my older sisters to conceive and carry their incredible babies — my perfect nieces and nephew.

So when my time came around that I could FINALLY carry out my dreams of being a mom, I guess I was naive in thinking how fertile I must be, and how quickly God should’ve blessed me with a positive pregnancy test.

But that test never came. All I had to show was a trash can full of negative ovulation sticks, pregnancy tests, and tissues from crying my eyes out that my body was failing at what it was designed to do. I knew something was very wrong.

At least I got that part right… *eye roll*

Turns out when the ovaries are covered in cysts, the female body doesn’t even let you give it the ole college try at reproducing. You’re just really inflamed…and sterile. You also get to experience the pain of mini cysts bursting inside of you every month. As if you didn’t have enough reminders of how broken your body was!

Not to mention, PCOS most commonly occurs in women who are overweight, have high levels of testosterone, or struggle with extra hair growth in various areas. I didn’t have any of those things going on. Hi, I’m Jayme. I’m the outlier. I have “Lean PCOS.” No, there’s no cure. There’s barely any literature or research on this type. The conventional treatment methods seldom work on this variation because scientifically it shouldn’t happen. There shouldn’t be any reason why a 5’4, 125lb, healthy woman can’t naturally conceive.

There also shouldn’t be any reason why the same woman loses her wonderful, healthy, happy husband at age 30 from a secret heart condition nobody would’ve ever guessed he had.

Not everything happens for a reason, contrary to what people like to say to comfort the grieving. Sometimes God’s plan hurts like hell, and it’s not something you can immediately trust.

A year later, I will tell you that the pain and shame I feel for everything wrong with me is still VERY much there. But I do still trust that good things and miracles happen, and I believe I will have my chance at that hat someday.

For now, I still grieve that diagnosis, that expectation, and that loss every single day. I grieve this on top of the pain of losing Luke, who should’ve been the father of our potential miracle.

I have hope that life will continue to surprise me with unexpected joy and happiness, as I have experienced in bulk this past year. I also have hope that I will beat PCOS and reverse it myself. I have hope I will overcome everything in life that was supposed to tear me down.

But in case anyone wanted to know how it truly feels to be a young widow with infertility, that…. that’s how.