I’m to the point in my grief that I can’t help but wonder, “what’s next for me?” “Is this it?” “Do I ever get the chance to be truly happy again?”
I don’t have the answers to my own questions, and nobody else does either. That terrifies me. Uncertainty and a dark, bleak future is not just scary, it’s an entirely new form of torture.
I’ve past the 5 month mark, and I’m approaching an entire season of milestones. All of which I want to skip, by the way. In case it has slipped the radar of any of you, I have to spend my first wedding anniversary as a widow.
Feel better about your life now?
I have that effect on people. You’re welcome.
Every last thing is a reminder of how truly alone you are, and that, my friends, is what separates the loss of a spouse from any other.
Widows can’t exactly just “enter” the dating pool. We’re in our own separate class, and it scares people. This kind of baggage is heavy, and very, very few have the strength or desire to help you carry it.
The worst part is that you can’t even say corny things like, “one day someone will come along to make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else,” or “I’ve never been so in love before.”
These are lies. They are utterly useless. So instead you simply make peace with being with someone else, and that someone will be absolutely wonderful but always a follow-up to what should have been your forever. To what would still be your forever if the universe didn’t destroy your chance at that kind of true happiness.
Your entire life now becomes one, giant “next.” That’s the sad reality, and it’s even sadder when you’re 25 and have the majority of your life left to face that.
*sigh* All I can say is I’m trying. I’ll keep trying.