Now what?

I’m to the point in my grief that I can’t help but wonder, “what’s next for me?” “Is this it?” “Do I ever get the chance to be truly happy again?”

I don’t have the answers to my own questions, and nobody else does either. That terrifies me. Uncertainty and a dark, bleak future is not just scary, it’s an entirely new form of torture.

I’ve past the 5 month mark, and I’m approaching an entire season of milestones. All of which I want to skip, by the way. In case it has slipped the radar of any of you, I have to spend my first wedding anniversary as a widow.

Feel better about your life now?

I have that effect on people. You’re welcome.

Every last thing is a reminder of how truly alone you are, and that, my friends, is what separates the loss of a spouse from any other.

Widows can’t exactly just “enter” the dating pool. We’re in our own separate class, and it scares people. This kind of baggage is heavy, and very, very few have the strength or desire to help you carry it.

The worst part is that you can’t even say corny things like, “one day someone will come along to make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else,” or “I’ve never been so in love before.”

These are lies. They are utterly useless. So instead you simply make peace with being with someone else, and that someone will be absolutely wonderful but always a follow-up to what should have been your forever. To what would still be your forever if the universe didn’t destroy your chance at that kind of true happiness.

Your entire life now becomes one, giant “next.” That’s the sad reality, and it’s even sadder when you’re 25 and have the majority of your life left to face that.

*sigh* All I can say is I’m trying. I’ll keep trying.

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5 thoughts on “Now what?

  1. Keep sharing Jamie. Continuing to pray over you especially as you enter this tough season. The only words I have for it is “IT SUCKS”! No one can sugar coat it. No one can ease your pain. Sometimes we just have to let people have their feelings and say “IT SUCKS” with them. Or just stay silent when we do not have the words.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jamie thank you for sharing. I have passed the 6 month mark, and my husband’s birthday, but not our anniversary yet. I have been having the same thoughts about will I be happy again? And even do I remember how to be happy? Sending love and hugs. You can do this. You are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow. My niece Mary Kate mentioned your blog and I read every post. You have a gift for writing. You should write that book when the time feels right to you. I lost my sweetheart at the age of 56 (me) 57 (him). I can tell from all the little moments that you’ve shared with us of you and Luke that he was your forever guy. I remember standing on a beach in Florida three months after he died and looking out at the ocean for the first time (he’d always wanted me to see it but we never saw it together) how ironic that I was experiencing this without him. Also went to Disneyworld (another thing we were always going to do) and crying as I watched the fireworks light up the castle. Two life long goals realized 3 months after his death. My daughter invited me to come with her and Greg and the kids on their trip. To quote her “don’t you think it’d be a good time to stand on the beach and yell at God”? I stupidly posted on fb how much I missed him and here came the cliches: “he’s right there with you in your heart”. I realize people really don’t know what to do with raw grief and were only trying to comfort me. Must have been going through the anger stage of grief because my response was: “He IS and always WILL be I. My heart but I miss HIM. His skin; his laugh, his smile and his humour and his arms around me”. His name is Rich. He would have loved your Luke. IDENTICAL with his love affair with the Huskers and very much like a kid on Saturdays. Will keep following your posts. From one widow to another. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my… thank you so much for the kind words. I’m so glad that it brought you some relatability. My heart is so with you. One of these days, I promise to write that book. ♥️

      Like

      1. I’ll be the first in line to buy it!

        Liked by 1 person

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